I wouldn't want to be married to me...

Lent, the days between Ash Wednesday and Easter, is a time of preparation and remembrance.  Many people deny themselves something or spend focused time in prayer in order to prepare their hearts and minds for celebrating the sacrifice and love of Christ in His death and resurrection.  Jed and I decided to give up caffeine this Lent, which has been much more of a sacrifice for Jed than it has been for me, as I haven't had hardly any caffeine since getting pregnant with Hosea.  I have drank decaffeinated sodas and coffees, however, so I decided to give those up.  Someone asked us why we decided to give up caffeine and Jed explained that for him, it was about not relying on anything (person, substance, etc.), except for Christ, for his strength (and alertness - all the things caffeine promises).  For me, it is about supporting Jed.  For both of us, it is about more opportunities to reflect on Christ and His sacrifice for us. 

Jed and I love the morning ritual of sharing a cup of coffee (I take a few sips of his caffeinated coffee).  We love walking to our local Starbucks with the boys and ordering a coffee - Clover, to be more specific.  I love a caffeine-free Diet Coke in a glass of ice at about 3 o'clock, each afternoon.  One aspect of Lent can be "giving up something good to receive something greater."  Each time we deny ourselves something provides an opportunity to pray and ask the Lord to be our strength, reflect on Christ's sufferings for us, and celebrate His victory over death and the new life we have in Him because of His death and resurrection.  I have also been trying to use those times to ask the Lord to reveal the things in my heart that distance me from Him...my sin.  He has gently been revealing these things, mainly through my interactions with Jed.  The other night, I had a bit of a breakdown after Jed and I had some miscommunication.  I told Jed, "If I were you, I wouldn't want to be married to me."  He asked me why I would say something like that.  I reminded Jed that I am controlling, negative, and pessimistic...that I am the queen of putting unspoken expectations on people, particularly him.  I get frustrated when my expectations aren't met.  I am impatient.  I am not very gracious.  Jed just held me and let me cry.  He told me how much he loved me.  I think the Lord was bringing me face to face with my sin, the very things He died for on the cross.  This point of conviction and repentance did not feel very pleasant.  But then, I felt Jed's arms around me and his steadfastness, loving me through it all.  As I sat with Jed, I sensed the Lord's forgiveness, just as much as I sensed my husband's.  Christ's resurrection paid the price for all my sin...all the unkind words, impatience, and negativity. 

I continue to invite the Lord to reveal who I am...the deepest, darkest places of my heart...during this season of Lent.  This revelation of my sin casts even greater light on my utter need for God's grace and for His gift of salvation.  This Easter, I choose to celebrate the extravagant love and sacrifice of Christ, for me.  I choose to be thankful for the One who STILL desires a relationship with me, after all I've done.